(Or "We May Be Temperate, But We Are Not Sane")
Published in Philadelphia, July, 2000
One hundred years ago to date, the Young Republicans gathered in Philadelphia, the City of Big Brotherly Love, for the Dole Banana Republican Convention. Well, the time has come again to lay the morning propaganda on the people. Perhaps the sentiments in the following pages will not be viewed as yet sufficiently fashionable to procure them general favor. However, we (who have studiously avoided everything which is personal among ourselves) are right and you are wrong! Speaking as the omniscient beings that we are, we feel it to be our sacred duty to point out that the world, to each individual, means the part of it with which he comes in contact; his party (although some may say par-tay), his church, his class of society. It is just lucky for us that the corner of the earth that we occupy happens to be the most important corner in the History of the Universe!
For it is here in Philadelphia Freedom-dum at this most historic (and histrionic) Republican Convention
in the year 2000, that a third party, The Manc 7, will begin again to rewrite the history of this city, the country, the entire Planet, The Galaxy, The Solar system, The Universe and beyond! While they profess themselves to be Mancunians, they must be considered as rebels. The precedent they preach is somewhat dangerous to their peace; for men to run under such a party may also be dangerous to the very essence of what our country stands for. But you, the common people can help solve this paradox and to unite resistance and subjection.
This manifesto is being published and dispatched to you and to foreign courts. These proceedings may at first appear strange and difficult to follow or comprehend, but like all other steps we take toward enlightenment, by the time you are done reading this you will become more familiar and agreeable to these candidates issues! Sister Carrie Nation has expressed that "this goes beyond the Delaware Valley of the Doles!" And even Britain's Labour Party has "hailed it as the Manifesto of the New Millennium Dome." V.I. Lenin has even emigrated to Switzerland to work at Sandoz to help the cause.
In fact, the publication of this manifesto has been delayed so that we can take into account new developments in our ancient feud with that infernal island of Cuba. As unbelievable as it sounds, Fidel Castro plans to run for President of the United States. We must annihilate him and his country with fire and sword! We must declare war and extirpate the defender of Communism from the face of the earth! This should be the second concern of every man to whom nature hath given the power of negative thinking. The first should be to get Elian Gonzales out of Cuba, for the holy book says he is the one to convert Castro of his evil ways.
If we examine Cuba further we will see that it is the personification of two forms of ancient Tyrannies.
A) Castro is not to be trusted. He has a thirst for absolute power that is a natural disease of dictators.
B) The Rum Barons have perpetuated a systematic form of sabotage on our nations youth, forcing them to drink Rum and Coca Cola, and indoctrinating them with phrases like Cuba Libre! It has been exactly 100 years since our illustrious sister before us, Carrie Nation, smashed a brick through the windows of a Kansas Saloon. We must do it again and rise like Avenging Charlie's Angels to meet this latest threat!
The prejudices of Cubans in favor of their own government by dictators, rum barons and pigs, arises as much or more from national pride than reason. Individuals are undoubtedly safer in Cuba than in some other countries, but the will of Castro is as much the law of the land in Cuba as in Russia. The only difference is that instead of the orders proceeding directly from his mouth, they are handed to the people under the more formidable shape of free tickets to baseball games. The fate of the eastern block dictators hath only made Fidel Castro more subtle - not more just. The plain truth is that it is only due to the efforts of the Americans who fought the Bay of Pigs, that Castro is not as oppressive in Cuba as he is in Turkey (henceforth to be referred to as the National Bird -ed).
We'll get back to Cuba in another chapter. However, we must first turn your attention to a new threat from an old wound: Mancunians in the White House? Never! Give me Liberty or give me Depends™ (You'd think Independence Hall would have it's own loo). This latest crop of randy gits are even more of an affront than the Redcoats! If we've said it before, we'll say it again! Government by Kings was first introduced into the world by heathens from whom the children of Israel copied the custom. It was the most preposterous invention of the devil ever set on foot for the promotion of idolatry. And now those pagans are paying divine honors to Liam Gallagher and his brother after a disastrous squabble for succession between the Gallagher Brothers and Davy Jones, The Mad Monkee.
Twelve pitched battles, besides skirmishes and sieges, were fought between Liam and Davy. Twice was Davy prisoner to Liam, who in his turn was prisoner to Davy, all for the top spot on the NME Pollwinner's contest. How impious is the title of sacred majesty applied to a worm who, in the midst of his splendor, is crumbling into dust? The NME, which the British in their delusional mania, take as gospel, no longer says "render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's". It now reads "render unto Liam all things which are Liam's". Mr. Jones has not given up and has moved the feud to our shores when he found out that Spin Magazine was conducting a similar poll.
We must keep the idolatrous customs of the Mancunians away from American Youth for Monarchy in every instance is the Popery of Government. If either Liam or Davy get elected, they will turn the United States into a vassalage of Rome. Instead of driving SUV's we'll all have to ride scooters! Instead of big baggy clothes, we'll have to wear Armani and Versace! It will effectively put an end to "big hair". In short, monarchy and succession have laid the world in blood and ashes. It is our mortal NME! And now, just in from Rueters, Citoyen Cane tells us that Theodore Roosevelt, plans to turn back the clock and run again as the new Rough-rider of the 21st century! Only he can stomp out Fidel's stinky cigar once and for all! A new Spanish-American war will be fought and we will make Cuba Libre for all Yankees! This is yellow journalism at its best!
Be the first on your block to get out of this box we live in! Sign this petition now! Become a delegate. Remember, you don't want to be stuck "sans culottes" or on the losing side. Help stomp this new Boxer Rebellion before it's too late. And only one of these four candidates can turn back the clock and remake this century in our own image...Join our convention this weekend, July 29, 2000 being held in front of the Liberte-Taco Bell. There will be surprise guest speakers, registration booths, music to vote by and campaign advisors to answer your questions. As one of our candidates has said to the press; "We live in a very important time where we are standing on the shoulders of giants!" We even have a write-in or (rough ride-in) candidate.
Come one come all. The time for marching in the streets is now. Let The Million Manc March begin! This may be just one small step for mankind, but it is a giant leap forward for the Mancunian Candidates!